Sometimes I think I'm only living to prepare for what comes next. This then causes me to believe I may never arrive anywhere. My entire life I have lived thinking of what would come after each and every moment. I don't act on impulse, I over-think and I plan. I never live in the moment. I'm beginning to wonder if sometimes it's alright to just let yourself go and do what you want right when you want it. Then I come back to my mind and realize the consequences that those decisions could possibly result in. By this time the moment is usually over and I am left behind. 

I was born into a family of planners. I have a day planner, and I right down everything I plan to do. It's becoming so bad I feel as if I need to start planning blocks of time simply labeled "fun." 

Since middle school I've begun researching colleges and looking every day at different places I could be in a few years. I've tried to set myself up to become successful. But then I start to wonder what my "successful" really contains. There are some people who simply want to be happy. Then we get into "well, what is happiness." I've decided that my happiness is success, but my success, is still undetermined. What am I honestly going to do in my life?

Today my friend and I listened to a song I had never heard before. He looks at me and says, "I really love this song, because it's all about leaving your mark, and that's all I really want to do."

I thought about his statement and decided I'm probably not the type to leave her mark. I'm not spectacular, and in the eyes of the world, maybe I'm boring. I have my own interests, but I'm not sporadic or crazy or on the verge of something fantastic. I can't write random songs on the spot about my friends, or write a mind-blowing article in a week to impact the world. I've never created a masterpiece of art, or won a championship game at the last minute.

I'm good at following rules, and sticking with what will better me for the next step of my life. But when do I finish the steps? This isn't a 12-step program I'm court-ordered to complete, it's my life. 

I often contemplate being amazing. How exciting it would truly be to cure a deadly disease or write a bestseller or sculpt something spectacular. The rush I would receive from bettering the people of this crazy world. 

I think I want to quit this step program I've created for life. I shouldn't have to schedule excitement, I should go out and create it. I shouldn't live for the next chapter, but instead enjoy where I am when I am there. I should live a little, and not be the one left behind for taking too long to make a decision. I want to be that free spirited and exotic person that just goes with the flow...Or do i?