i feel like a quote out of context.

i can't breath. 

we're just a bubble in a boiling pot.

Today was magical.

Not in a way that I was extremely happy, or really good looking, or feeling wonderful; but because of the just plain weird events that happened throughout. 

Lets begin with the beginning of the day. I slept until 6:30. That's the longest I have slept in on a school day since eighth grade. Then I got into a car full of the sweet sound of my favorite musician: Jack Johnson. As banana Pancakes filled the air around me, I made my way to the middle school where I was to teach the young teens to not partake in sexual activities. I honestly do the program for college type recognition, but it turned out being quite fun. I was in charge of the emotional/ mental problems (hahahha), go figure. I'm not convinced the kids won't be having sex, but it was nice for them, and myself, to take a break from regular school for some fun. Not to mention the shirt I was required to wear has a very seductive lady on the front labeled "peers girl." I find it absolutely hilarious. I may include a picture, I'm not sure yet. I also recieved a bracelet that says, "abstain to attain- abstente del sexo" 

I'm glad to know we are reaching out to a variety of languages, i am still waiting for my Chen translation though.

Anyways, about halfway through we decided to go out to lunch. I was sitting in an Arby's, just drinking my milk shake, when I look over and see a local CVS in the process of being robbed. It was truly incredible. The guy tried to escape, but no such luck. Tons of police cars soon surrounded the place, and he was taken away. Sometimes I wonder how low one must sink in order to make the decision to rob someone. Then I wonder how one goes about deciding which place to choose. I often contemplate these weird situations, because if I were to rob something I need to have an idea of where I'm going to go. I'd probably rob an ice cream store. That way I could order them to make me an  ice cream cone as I took all of the money, and have a nice treat on my way out. I take that back. I would have it in a bowl so it wouldn't be so messy. I would hate to leave a trail. I think there's some movie in which this happens, but the name has escaped my mind. 

After this exciting robbery, we went back and finished up with our last class. In this one, one of the consequences of having sex in the video we showed was "lack of social life." Some girl turned to me and said, "that's so true. When my momma got pregnant with my little sister, she didn't get to party no more. Now that's just wrong." 

This girl was twelve...

I laughed.

Then afterwards, I went to the license branch to receive my license. Now getting a license is supposed to be rather exciting I would think. I was kind of excited. Maybe. I passed the test and then came the moment I dread. The picture. I really just don't enjoy pictures. I find myself to be completely not camera acceptable, and after my permit photo, I knew the beautiful blue background did not do me justice. Vanessa, the DMV lady, handed me my new card, and to my great surprise, I didn't look that hideous. In fact, I look better than a majority of my recent photos. Now sure that isn't saying much, but this little surprise made me quite the happy camper. 

Then I went to the doctor for another appointment. Unlike many people, I enjoy the doctor. I don't mind the shots, I like to read all of the charts and discuss the latest medicines and whatnot with the nurses who all know me by name...This is probably not a good sign. But either way, I have swine flu. Just kidding. But i did get new medicine. Which then led me to Target, the super store.

I really enjoy target. I love everything about the cleanliness, the people, the snazzy colors and pictures they display in the lovely shade of green. It's not like those other nasty grocery stores, with the horrendous ugly white and tope based colors, but it's full of reds and greens and pretty floors. I dropped off my prescription, and made my way over to the patio section. I enjoy testing out all of the new stuff to make sure it's acceptable, and see all of the outrageous new designs they've come up with. Then I went to technology. The obvious best place to entertain me for hours. I bought fifty new cd sleeves, a new set of headphones, and some random iPod accessory. Then I went over to the artsy part, and ended up with a pad of patterned paper, a few photo things, and a notebook. Then I went back to pick up my medicine and  checked out with hott cashier named Warren. What a name. 

Then I went to McDonalds to buy my mother a diet coke. They said please pull to the first window, and I did but no one ever came. Then I realized it was the next window. But that is technically the second window, so I got really confused as to where I was supposed to go. I really think they should consider labeling those things. However at the third window, where I was supposed to get the drink, I was apparently holding a dollar in my hand and the man with the drink asked if it was his tip. I laughed, seeing to it was a joke. And he smiled and I took the coke. Then he said, "i thought you might help a brother out, seeing to it's his birthday today." So I smiled, said Happy Birthday, and handed over the dollar to my new friend Lawrence. He seemed very pleased. 

So yes, my day so far has been interesting, and it's only three o clock. I just thought I'd share because I'm weird. 

"You're weird. In an attractive, great way."

the element of surprise.

"That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

Today I watched garden state, for the third time in two days. 

I honestly forgot how much I really love this movie. It's like when you find ten dollars in your pocket. Of course at one point you realized you had the money, but finding it again is just such a little surprise. It makes you so happy.

I guess I like surprises. I once thought I didn't, but now I think i do. I think only people who truly care about you take the time to surprise you in little ways. It's a silly though, however my secret wish is for someone to love me enough to throw me a surprise party. For someone to take the time and effort to create something especially for me, something I'm not expecting, something magnificent... 

Well, that would probably make me the happiest person in the world. 

let's spend tonight on top of the world.

I used to be the happiest person i knew. 

I was positive nearly all the time, and overly joyous over little things I simply loved to do.

Now I'm slowly climbing out of the enormous hole I've managed to burrow into. 

I'm trying to reach that intense level of satisfaction that I once wallowed in every day of my life.

I've started to develop new things.

New sports. 

New goals.

New acquaintances.

New tastes.

New thoughts.

New morals.

New beliefs.

and most importantly, a new mindset that I intend to live by.

I have always been in love with the color grey. I'm now beginning to live by the grey rule. This meaning things aren't always this or that, black or white, right or wrong.

I like this. 

waiting for my rocket to come.

I've written ten posts since last week but I just can't seem to make the decision on which ones to post. It's frustrating. 

I've come to realize that a lot of time life is obnoxiously frustrating, and it truly rarely makes any sense. I guess I should just keep going through each day. There might not be much more to it. I've started to grasp the mentality that sometimes it's alright to just wait things out. It's typically better to not force things, period. I grasp this topic, but as soon as I can fully adopt it, then I think I'll be set. 

I'm reveling in energy that everyone's emitting. 

I'm just a little stressed out. 

Here's my dilemma. I don't have one. 

Maybe I'm too picky. Not like with food, or clothes, or anything like that. Simply with people. 

I love people so much, but I think my friend put it perfectly when she said "I've realized as a whole i love people, but individually I hate a lot of them." 

The problem is, I guess I was unlucky/lucky enough to be exposed to some really wonderful people. This sounds like a wonderful thing, however it's not, because now that I know those few people exist, I can't help but not like the lesser people. 

Maybe that's mean of me, or maybe I just finally have realized who I like, even if there aren't very many of them.

It's hard for me to settle for less than what I want, and I guess this is just one more situation where I may just end up totally alone at some points.

I'd like to think I'll have at least one friend at every point of  my life forever, but I really can't be sure.

I guess I've just made the decision to only like the people I really like, and not settle for the people I truly can't stand. 

This could either result in me having a fantastic life with those i love, or me being completely alone forever. Notice I didn't say lonely. 

I don't know what I feel right now.

These are  just a few thoughts on in my head. 

you don't know me at all.

I hate holidays. Everything about them makes me cringe. The people who use God as a reason to receive presents, and attend church twice a year on those days just to prove to the others that they too really care. The unrealistic lies parents create to tell their children a bunny really does sneak in and leave eggs. What's the point?

This Easter weekend I spent with my friend. We watched a variety of movies, and slept for more than the average human ever should. We both have sleeping problems, meaning that we typically don't sleep when we are supposed to, but hey, I guess that just means we always have at least one person to talk to at four in the morning whenever we need something. Either way, she was sick this weekend, and I tried my best to take care of her. That was my Easter weekend up until about two o clock this afternoon, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

At two o clock, I received a call from my mother while my friend was sleeping soundly on the floor. She and my dad have been fighting recently about things I really don't understand, and sadly, don't really care about. I was home for maybe ten minutes from Friday until today, when I noticed my mom has a very large bruise under her right eye. She hasn't tried to give an explanation, which is difficult for me to really interpret. She called and asked me what I was doing. I said we were watching movies, which apparently was too farfetched for her to fully grasp and she began the entire interrogation process of her current theory about me being on drugs. She used to check my nostrils and stuff all the time, but then I guess for a while I was staying at home and everything was fine.

Not anymore.

I guess the thing I really have problems with, are the fact that I am so different from everyone else in my family. I know they are my family, but why should that really require me to spend countless hours ruining their time. I have yet to have a birthday or holiday when none of us have cried, and nearly every single time I am the one to blame.

Sure my mom thinks I’m on drugs, my brother annoys everyone, and my parents can’t get along or agree on anything, but I’ve come to the conclusion that they are honestly so much happier without me. When I’m away, so is the conflict. Maybe in two years, everyone’s stress will go down. The endless disagreeing might be put to rest, simply because I won’t be around enough to care.

I suppose holidays are simply an excuse for people to get together and pretend they really like each other. But what I guess my question is why I would go home and be miserable, and ruin everyone else's day, when I could just watch movies and hang out with someone I truly enjoy being with.

It’s really not them, it’s me. I’m just not the same, and I think that truly scares us all.